Eragon

Three minutes into Eragon, we needed a map and a scorecard. The voiceover narrator told us that someone was fighting someone in magical land XYZ, and that there were dragons involved. Beyond that, we were lost. And we remained lost throughout the entire movie. When the credits rolled, we couldn’t recall the names of the characters and weren’t sure they were even told to us. Thus, in the spirit of the Internet, we present you with the following plot summary, which is sure to thrill you on cold winter evenings:

Once upon a time, the forest world of Alagaesia was populated by dragon riders. But one of the riders, Galbatorix, desired power and so formed an army to destroy the dragon riders. He killed them all and has ruled Alagaesia for a long time, with his evil sorcerer Durza’s help. Nevertheless, a remnant of the dragon riders (the Varden) escapes to distant mountains, where they await the fulfillment of a prophecy about their reconquest of Alagaesia. So, when the orphan farm boy Eragon finds a blue stone sent by Princess Arya, he realizes that it is a dragon egg. When the dragon Saphira is born, Eragon meets his mentor Brom, and becomes the dragon rider foreseen in the prophecy that predicts the fall of Galbatorix. Eragon journeys to Varden, where he fights against the armies of Durza.

Follow that? If you’re like us, you got lost at the word “Galbatorix.” We realize the impossibility of absorbing the many names of fantasy characters and their doings. But there’s hope yet. In fact, this plot summary is actually a translation, and all you need is for someone to put it back into its original language. Well, you’ve come to the right place! We’ve provided that service to you below, free of charge. What follows is Eragon as it really is:

A long time ago, in a land called Middle-Earth, a blond orphan farm boy named Luke “Harry Potter” Skywalker found the One Ring, which looked an awful lot like a blue dragon. This Ring promised the destruction of Sauron, the evil ruler of Middle-Earth, and his henchmen Saruman, an evil sorcerer. Sauron was ticked that his One Ring was missing, so he went after Luke and his family.Thankfully Luke is not there when his uncle’s farm is destroyed by Orcs. This is a necessary plot twist, so that Luke can journey with Obi-Wan Kenobi to the hideout of the Rebel Alliance. Along the way, Obi-Wan teaches Luke how to practice good magic. They defeat a few Orcs, but then Luke gets premonitions about a captured princess (named Leia), whom Luke decides to rescue from Saruman’s fortress. Obi-Wan isn’t down with that; he wants Luke to learn more about good magic, but Luke stubbornly persists that Leia needs saving.

Anyway, Luke heads to the fortress alone, sneaks in unnoticed, then finds Princess Leia. But Saruman shows up and does a few magic tricks. He throws a spike at Luke, but Obi-Wan appears out of nowhere and sacrifices his life for Luke’s. Then Han Solo appears out of nowhere and helps Luke and Leia get out of the fortress.

Together, all three rush to the Rebel Alliance hideout in the mountains. There, they prepare for battle against Saruman and the Orc Army.

As a service to you, we will not finish our plot summary. It’s enough to know that the Forces of Good do their thing and the Forces of Evil do theirs. The ending does scream “Sequel!” but, clearly, the movie studio will have a hard time deciding whether to call it Star Wars VIII or Lord of the Rings 5.

Entertainment: 1
Intelligence: -10 (dumbest movie we’ve seen since BattleField: Earth, which is saying something)
Morality: 3